Health Fair

So today, my company had its annual health fair. In this event, many different healthcare agencies and businesses set up booths, and tell us all how unhealthy we are and give us free crap.

Bossy co-worker and I went down to the main level for this fun-filled extravaganza (anything to get out of doing actual work, right?) While down there, I realized many things.

1) My spine is out of line, according to the Dr. at the school of chiropracters, my spine needs an adjustment and after a series of office visits, he can have me in tip top shape...

2) My blood pressure is high. Yes, I knew this, and yes I'm already being medicated for it. "You'd like me to take this handy pamphlet on the risks of hypertension? But I told you I've already been diagnosed...yes...yes...okay fine, I'll take your damn pamphlet, leave me alone already!"

3) I'm fat. Well gee, thanks for the observation, Captain Obvious. I'm already in Weight Watchers. Okay fine, maybe they didn't haul out the "F" word, but seriously, must we go over this over and over again?

4) Help with quitting smoking...well since I never started this was the easiest by far...

5) Mental health. Finally something I need. No? You can't write me a prescription for Prozac? Fine, what good are you?!!!

I did sign up for the various drawings they are having later today. Maybe I'll win something. Stranger things have happened....

Mama said there'd be days like this...

What a terrible morning!

I woke up at 6am with a splitting headache. Finally at 6:15 after a couple of rounds of playing "let's hit the snooze button", I got up, went to the bathroom (I know you really wanted to know that.) and, took some Excedrin chased with a cup of coffee.

Feeling a little better, I opted to start waking up the Drama Queen. If she gets up by 6:30am, she's got plenty of time (one would think anyway) to beautificate herself to presentable levels which are deemed acceptable by the other Jr. High drama queens.

However, this particular morning, she opted to be a total HAGATHA and not get out of bed until 6:45 which then caused her to not have nearly enough time to straighten her hair to a level of "board straightness" and barely enough time to apply entirely way to much damn black eyeliner! This, in case you were wondering, is ALL MY FAULT, for not getting her up sooner. Clearly, how did I NOT see it?

Then, the boy...ah the boy. My son who is 3 (going to be 4 next week) has suddenly decided that going potty in the bathroom is entirely over-rated. Whilst I am trying to hustle these little late-makers out the door, he picks that exact moment to announce to me that he did, indeed, pee in his pants. What is causing, this? I have no idea. Please help me, Tom Cruise, I can't even function today and clearly and not equipped to even BE mother!!!!!

So, I've not updated this thing in lightyears!

How are you all doing? By all of you, I mean the small handful of folks that even know about this blog.

I've had many things transpire since my last post. We bought our first house. This was a huge undertaking that involved many things, including, financial help from parents, and lots and lots of remodeling of a nice fixer-upper. We moved in, in August and are finally settling down a bit.

The girl has started a new school. For those of you with teenagers, you'll realize that this is not something taken lightly by a a 13 year old girl. Her. Life. Is. Over. , as she puts it. She thinks that we have done all of this not to improve our own way of life, but to ruin hers. That's not dramatic at all, is it? Anyway, some days, she loves her new school, others she is plotting to run away to live with my mother, who still lives in her old school district. When asked why I did not let her continue to finish the 8th grade in her previous school, suffice it to say that she was falling in with a not-so-great crowd and I felt that a change of circumstances would also do her a world of good. I'm still not convinced that I'm wrong, given that we've had not nearly the drama that we did last year at her previous school, and that she's hardly given it a chance given that school just started in August. Anyway, time will tell, and it will all come out in the therapy, I always say.

The boy, who will be 4 next week, started preschool last week. He loves it. He is sure that it is just about the funnest thing to ever happen to him. Soccer also started for him this week. He loves it also. I've never seen a kid trip over his own feet quite so much, but I'm sure he does get that from my side of the family. Truth be told, I'm not so incredibly athletic and I've apparently given those particular traits to my son.

All in all, things are well. I'll try to update more frequently, now that things are slowing down a bit. Of course, whatever will I write about?

So is it bad...

to watch movies in your cubicle while at work? I watched Pirates of the Caribbean II the other day it was so slow here and with other folks on vacation...well...why not? I must say (since I was the last person on the planet to have seen this, I think) that it was good. The guy with squids for a face kinda freaked me a bit, but other than that, me likey!

I've not updated in a while because, to be quite honest, nothing exciting has been happening and well, I'm also kinda lazy.

My boy is doing better with the potty training thus far, so yay 2007! Bring on the no pullups!

Anyway, that's it for my incoherent ramblings of the day, enjoy!

Cars and other pains in my ass...

Hi. How was your weekend? Mine...fine...I guess....

Let me tell you people. If you ever get the opportunity to take two thirteen-year-old-girls to the mall for their Christmas shopping, jump off a fucking cliff. That's about how much fun I had with my daughter and her friend doing their "Christmas shopping". I put that in quotes because my daughter bought gifts for all of her friends and none of her family. I'm refusing to give her any more money because quite honestly, I've given her plenty and think that she should feel like crap for not having her priorities straight. But alas, who ever does at thirteen? Parenting sucks and if you think that your sweet little angel who is cute and says funny things will not grow up to be a royal pain in your ass later in life, you are seriously delusional, just sayin'.....

Anyway, Saturday morning, I've promised the little queen bee and her pal that I'd take them to the mall. However, the night before when getting my groceries at Sam Walton's evil empire The Walmart Supercenter, I discovered that my brakes were making noises that no car had any business making. I had the husband (who is mechanically inept in every sense of the word) take it in to be looked at, and as I suspected, the rotors were shot and needed to be replaced....seriously diminishing my Christmas payload....gotta love cars.... Anyway, $185 later, we're on the road to the mall all full of Christmas cheer an' shit!

Upon arriving at the mall, Genius (that's what I call my husband, I'm sure that if ever one of my children are called a genius at any time in their educational careers, they will be seriously offended, because it takes on the opposite meaning...if you get my drift...), is amazed at the clusterfuck that the parking lot has turned into...shocking isn't it? That during the Christmas season the malls would be packed? Did I mention, he invited himself on this excursion and did nothing but bitch the entire time about how we could have done all of our shopping at the evil Walmart empire instead? Ugh, men!

Anyway, I've got most of my Christmas shopping done, I'm still married and my car stops, so that's all positive shit right there, right?

Of course Genius's fuel pump went out this morning and he's a special kind of pleasant to be around and him riding with me in the mornings could be the end of an otherwise happy union....we'll see....

Holly Jolly...yada yada yada

I am such a procrastinator! Its getting worse and worse each year. I've yet to buy my kids anything for Christmas yet, and my tree isn't even up. It seems like it gets later and later in the year when I do finally get around to decorating and shopping for the holidays.

Today, at least, I got my Christmas bonus and am going to go buy groceries, some things for baking cookies, and the bulk of my Christmas shopping. I'm sure I'll be all kinds of crabby and bitchy afterwards because I hate crowds and people, in general, so pray for me, please.

It's also worthy to note that not only will I be braving the malls which I hate, I'll be shopping with a group of teenage girls from our church youth group! I'm thinking it would be frowned upon were I to spike my coffee with Bailey's for the duration of the day? I'm supposing that would put my journey to hell on the fastrack, huh? Okay fine, but there will be coffee, right? There at least has to be coffee!!!!

Just Another Tequila Sunrise...

Ahh...what a weekend! Saturday, we went to Breakfast with Santa at the girl's school. She and the other cheerleadery girls were "santa's helpers" and handing out candy and gifts to the kidlets who sat on the old man's lap. The boy, was oh so thrilled to go see Santa. To quote him,"Santa is my freeeeeend!" Good luck with that kid, I think when you stepped on his toes and butted in line, you may be more his friend than he is yours, just sayin'....

Saturday night, my parents kept the offspring so the husband and I could attend the hillbilly hoedown that his company calls a Christmas party. It was held at an establishment that was also in the banquet room adjacent to ours holding "kickboxing matches". This was the first thing I spotted when entering the hotel. This place is called the Stratford Inn Read the reviews, you'll get my drift. My husband thought it would be nice to get a room at a discounted rate at this place. To say it was a total shithole, would be putting it nicely. There were literally bullet holes in the walls and on the dresser was a lovely card stating that the room had been cleaned personally by Michele on 11/20/06. Not a good starting point, I tell ya!

Anyway, the party was held in the "Gazebo room" which looked as though it were lifted directly out of the movie the Wedding Singer, complete with mirrored walls, and red shag carpeting. I was having a blast, just taking in the scenery. I totally wish I'd have had a camera phone because this stuff just can't be made up. Husband and I were seated at a table with his boss and other friends. We had the obligiatory buffet dinner followed by many awards given to the employees for various reasons. Husband received a safety award (Go husband, with your badass safe self!) in the amount of a $50 gift card to Wal-Mart. He was quite pleased with himself, and who am I to criticize free stuff, really?

Then the dancing festivities began. I mostly spent the evening going back and forth to the open bar and visiting with the other men of the Lawncare Co. that husband works for. I've developed quite the taste for the Tequila Sunrises and drank enough of them that the bar did, indeed, run out of tequila. I love those things, especially when they are free! There are a few couples we generally hang out with from his group of co-workers. The mechanic and his wife, he's a great guy who's hilarious and also not at all afraid to risk being arrested for comitting the crime of copying dvd's for my viewing pleasure. He's also got 5 pc's loaded with over 10,000 songs and is burning me a mix cd just because I'm nice, see.....people are generally still good, for the most part! Anyway, I'm not sure how many of those things I drank, but I do know there were more cups in front of me than I cared to dare count....

Once couple came to the party that we've visited with and been friendly in the past on several occassions. We've gone out on double-date type things with them and they're generally nice people, but I can't say that I know them all that well, what with our relationship basically consisting of the fact that we've gone to a country music concert and 3 bars with these people and not much else. I'd not say we're really close or anything like that.

Anyway, after the party ended at 11:00pm, we migrated to the hotel bar because hello, its only 11pm! This woman was telling me on several occassions that she thought I was cute. Well, okay, thanks, how very nice of you. Then, she tells me that guys are checking me out. "Um...okay," I say. What exactly does one say to that, anyway? We go to the bar where I buy myself and the other chick a lemon drops shot (cause that's what you do, right? Take turns buying?) And I kid you not she starts whispering in my ear how she loves my outfit and thinks I'm beautiful. It was weird and awkward and all kinds of strange for me. "Uh, thanks, I guess," I tell her, still not sure what to make of this woman. Then, this tall dude that was sitting at our table comes over and is talking to me, and when he walks away, I tell her that I think he's handsome. She says,"You know who I think is handsome? Your husband..." "Uh, okay, I'm kinda partial to him too, since I'm married to him and all...." WTF? Really? I've really got no radar for anything like this and was not at all sure of how to react. At this point, husband was nowhere to be found and then he comes out of nowhere to whisk me away from these people. He then informs me that they are swingers and apparently, she was interested in more than drinks and conversation! Should I not give people the benefit of the doubt and just assume that all new folks are insane until proven differently?

Needless to say, husband and I went back to our shithole room alone where we watched fuzzy Southpark on the craptastic television with no remote (because they wanted a fucking $10 deposit just to use the godamned remote, that's why!), had crazy alcohol-induced,monogomous, no extra-people, sex and went to sleep!